I finally did it. Although I expected it, I’m still in shock. After thirty years of my particular brand of madness, she’s had enough. To say she’s my best friend is a gross understatement. In 1987, we were engaged. She broke it off – she was always the smart one. We dated on and off, then remained close, like brother and sister, ever after. She’s been my rock, my constant companion, and my very heart. But ever after is no more. I have pushed her away, made her feel disrespected, overwhelmed and alone. I suffocated her with my troubles and drama so that she had no life of her own.
(Music to read by, if you wish. I mixed this on a phone.)
She told me I ruined her life. I probably did, and a few others along the way. Racked with guilt over what I’ve done, overwhelmed with grief at the loss of her, gazing in terrible awe at the smoldering ashes of my life, I realize I’m done. Combined with exhaustion from the years of depression, insomnia and chronic pain, I can’t see any light at the end of this immensely long and dark tunnel.
Every other person in my life is struggling with their own pain, their own demons. They look to me for aid. I am depleted. I am spent. I am broken beyond repair. I have precious little left to give but I will give it. Soon enough, all too soon, it will be time to lay it down. Thoughts of dear friends and lovers, times both joyous and desperate; time with my kids, not nearly enough of it; the moments of my own internal life; all these will fill my mind in those last minutes. Somehow, despite all the sorrow and pain, I will find peace at last.
Those I leave behind? Though they may not admit it, they are better off without me. Although I’ve tried to help many who have crossed my path in this life, encouraging people to achieve their dreams, it seems I have done more harm than good. To those I have hurt or caused pain, I am eternally sorry. To those few I may have helped, pay it forward. And maybe, on a long misty day in the Autumn, stop into an old Irish pub, play one of the old songs on the jukebox, and drink a pint for me.