The Inflatable Soapbox

Thoughts on Technology, Society and Life

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08-24-15

Grief Ever After

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I finally did it. Although I expected it, I’m still in shock. After thirty years of my particular brand of madness, she’s had enough. To say she’s my best friend is a gross understatement. In 1987, we were engaged. She broke it off – she was always the smart one. We dated on and off, then remained close, like brother and sister, ever after. She’s been my rock, my constant companion, and my very heart. But ever after is no more. I have pushed her away, made her feel disrespected, overwhelmed and alone. I suffocated her with my troubles and drama so that she had no life of her own.

(Music to read by, if you wish. I mixed this on a phone.)

She told me I ruined her life. I probably did, and a few others along the way. Racked with guilt over what I’ve done, overwhelmed with grief at the loss of her, gazing in terrible awe at the smoldering ashes of my life, I realize I’m done. Combined with exhaustion from the years of depression, insomnia and chronic pain, I can’t see any light at the end of this immensely long and dark tunnel.

Rain King

Rain King


Every other person in my life is struggling with their own pain, their own demons. They look to me for aid. I am depleted. I am spent. I am broken beyond repair. I have precious little left to give but I will give it. Soon enough, all too soon, it will be time to lay it down. Thoughts of dear friends and lovers, times both joyous and desperate; time with my kids, not nearly enough of it; the moments of my own internal life; all these will fill my mind in those last minutes. Somehow, despite all the sorrow and pain, I will find peace at last.

Those I leave behind? Though they may not admit it, they are better off without me. Although I’ve tried to help many who have crossed my path in this life, encouraging people to achieve their dreams, it seems I have done more harm than good. To those I have hurt or caused pain, I am eternally sorry. To those few I may have helped, pay it forward. And maybe, on a long misty day in the Autumn, stop into an old Irish pub, play one of the old songs on the jukebox, and drink a pint for me.

01-1-15

New Year Off to a Good Start

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The new year is always a popular time for making resolutions, turning over a new leaf, starting with a clean slate, or whatever you choose to call it. I’m sure there are more blog posts on January first each year than any other day.

I spent the entire day working, because that is my resolution: I must bring one of my (too) many projects to fruition this year. I hope to blog about the adventure as often as possible. But, if I want to get this post in on time, I must end it here. :)

Have a happy, healthy, and prosperous 2015!

02-20-14

Star Wars or Code Wars

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warriors

Jedi Knight or Code Warrior?

I was checking for Java versions on my newly installed Linux Mint Debian Edition. The command ‘which java’ resulted in /usr/bin/java and, like magic, a new character was born. (side rant: Why, in every other *nix command, is the version info given by -v or –version but, in OpenJDK, it’s -version? Pisses me off. Adherence to standards, people!)

05-15-13

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05-7-13

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myelvenkingdom:

Beautiful old stone bridge in Scotland.

03-30-13

Missing My Brother, Again

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I was listening to songs of my youth last night, many were rather sad. I like sad songs. Drinking was not part of the evening’s entertainment because my liver is shot. I can’t have more than a couple of beers without feeling ill. That’s probably a good thing.

Sitting down to the computer this morning, I found YouTube still open in a browser tab, so I played a few more. Mistake. Often, I finish these musical bouts of self-pity and nostalgia with Somewhere Over the Rainbow. Not a huge Judy Garland fan, I just like that song and ,no, I’m not gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Instead, this morning, my match with melancholy ends with Puff the Magic Dragon. For many, it’s a bittersweet tale of the lost innocence of childhood. It has always been that for me. Afterwards, I took a shower before starting work for the day. I’m in the shower about five minutes (I take long, hot showers), singing Puff,

A dragon lives forever but not so little boys
Painted wings and giant rings make way for other toys.
One grey night it happened, Jackie Paper came no more
And Puff that mighty dragon, he ceased his fearless roar.

His head was bent in sorrow, green scales fell like rain,
Puff no longer went to play along the cherry lane.

and when I get to the next line,

Without his life-long friend, Puff could not be brave,

I start crying like a baby. I was completely overwhelmed with grief. It’s been seven years since my brother’s death. My little brother. Most people who knew the six foot Chief of Police had a different image of him, no doubt. But, to me, he was always and will always be my little brother. And when he really needed me most, I wasn’t there for him. People have said many kind things, the usual things people say. You can’t blame yourself, no one could have known. I knew. And I can never forgive myself. I will never stop missing Patrick, my little brother. And I will never sing that damn song again.

Patrick Kissane

Patrick Kissane
October 31, 1962 – January, 23 2006

03-10-13

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03-10-13

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03-10-13

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darkface:

(by vanessa.paxton)

03-2-13

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author photo Tim Kissane, CEO and founder of Timbury Computer Services, has 20 years of industry experience serving large corporations (including Alcatel-Lucent, Bell Labs, and IBM), small businesses and home users. An avid proponent of Free and Open Source Software since 1994, Mr. Kissane is concerned with maintaining low-cost, unregulated publishing access to the Internet for small business and individuals.