The Inflatable Soapbox

Thoughts on Technology, Society and Life

07-2-11

Change Can Be Scary

under Life

It’s that time again.  Time for a change.  I’ve felt this coming for a long time, but it is scary.  Partly because I’m not so young anymore.  I’m exhausted all the time, in pain every day.  I just want relief, not more discomfort.  But I know, if there is any hope of getting my life back to good, change I must.  Why is it so hard to change, though?  In a recent article called Making Change, Dr. Leslie Becker-Phelps suggests the need to develop “compassionate self-awareness.”  I like that phrase.  It’s the first change I need to make that will enable all the rest.

The Happiest People

Change in Relationship Status

I’m becoming single again.  I know it is the right thing for both of us, but I’ve never been good at dealing with breakups.  I realize I’m hurting her more by extending a relationship that isn’t (and will never be) what she wants, than by ending it.  I hope she can see that.  I hope we can remain friends.  She is a wonderful, loving woman with a bright future and a big heart.

Change in Financial Status

My financial situation is a mess.  At my age, with by background, I have little hope of becoming employed again.  Perhaps it’s a blessing.  I have no patience left and do not suffer fools gladly, even when I’m working for them.  I will be exercising my sales muscles, despite my fear and loathing of sales.  It’s the only way I can build my online revenue into something livable.  Fortunately, it’s something I can do anywhere I have an Internet connection.  Which leads me to the scariest part.

Change of Scenery

It’s time to go.  I’ve lived in this house (in a state I detest) for five years.  That’s twice as long as anywhere else I’ve lived since I was sixteen years old.  Wanderlust?  No, believe me, I’d much rather settle in somewhere.  But where?  “LA’s fine but it ain’t home.  New York’s home but it ain’t mine no more.”  Time has come for a road trip.  I have no money, but I can’t delay it any longer.  A quarter of a century ago, I left New Jersey with my last (damn small) paycheck in my pocket and the clothes on my back.  Put my thumb out on I-95 and I was gone.  If I have to, I’ll do the same thing now.  It will be hard, no doubt.  But staying here is killing me.

 

Change of Faces

Since the death of my brother in ’06, I’ve been trying to look after my mom.  She’s eighty-one now and still manages to push my buttons.  My best friend, more like a sister to me, lives here and I will miss her more than words can express.  I just can’t stay any longer.  There are people and places I want to see before I die.  That event isn’t as distant as it once seemed.  The time to act is now.  Change can be scary.  But never changing is death.



  1. Jennifer Said,

    Tim,

    Great entry :) If you do all the things you say you’re going to do… your life will change for the better! I wish you the best of luck.

  2. Tim Said,

    Thank you, Jen! It’s more work, courage and determination than luck, but you already know that. You’re an inspiration to me. :)

author photo Tim Kissane, CEO and founder of Timbury Computer Services, has 20 years of industry experience serving large corporations (including Alcatel-Lucent, Bell Labs, and IBM), small businesses and home users. An avid proponent of Free and Open Source Software since 1994, Mr. Kissane is concerned with maintaining low-cost, unregulated publishing access to the Internet for small business and individuals.